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What is it about me and boys with fast cars?

I swear.. I�have the biggest weakness for them.
besides the fact that those cars are sooo effing hot.. Aahhh.
Iapos;m glad Joe is such an amazing driver, or I wouldnapos;t trust him to pull the shit he does while Iapos;m in the car.
Plus we get into the craziest situations when we are out together�LOL.

I�missed doing crazy shit aahahahahaha. �Iapos;m so fucking TIRED�of being the good girl. �I need to cut loose.
Thank goodness I�have insane friends lol.

This has been, by far, the most insanely random week of my LIFE.

aaannnd now I want to rant about everything the two of us have done in the last week.. But that would be a really long entry.. But so ridiculously amazing.
gigglefit much?� Iapos;m thinking so.

my life owns.

crap.. How am I�supossed to remember EVERYTHING�that happened this last week?
Itapos;s never going to happen. �No way.. Grr.

Iapos;m so going to hell.� ahahahaha.

can you tell it is fall?
Every year at this time, I start going stir crazy.� I want to party my ass off, and get into trouble.

No wonder I have seasonal friends.

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Well, I was under the impression it was progressing nicely until this morning. I�didnapos;t get a goodnight from her nor a good morning but I discounted it. Then the IM came and we talked. She reiterated how she just wanted to be friends and couldnapos;t be with me right now. She said she needs time to find herself and what she wants. I�frankly dont understand it. How can you not know what you want or have any idea? Especially after weapos;ve been close like this for over a month, how can you still not know if thats what you truly want?�I just donapos;t know and it hurts. I could have sensed this coming though so and it always happens so itapos;s not a total shock but STILL bulshit.� Sheapos;s been saying this for a month, and still hasnapos;t started. And I get fucked over. Iapos;ve tried to do what I could to help her do this but she still has to. I donapos;t get what she means or what she needs to do and the fact is I donapos;t know what the future holds for us. I still really like her and want to be with her but she has to figure this shit out and I wish she could explain it to me better or something.� Iapos;m lost and confused. Does she just need to find her interests and stuff and be single and know she can be happy and develop that confidence?�Is that it?�I have no idea Things were going great and she said I did nothing wrong which I will believe, perhaps foolishly.� It makes sense to me but why go through all this bulshit when she can still discover her interests if we were together. I would understand. I did understand. Now she has to go and do all this. All I know is I hope she figures all this crap out soon so we can re-evaluate because I have no desire to pursue another girl when she is the one I want and she likes me and is there.� This is all complete bulshit. And I hate it. We should be together and I�miss her. And I donapos;t get how she can cut me off so easily yet still get so upset over stupid shit with her friend and not let THAT go. That is probably holding her back too if she canapos;t realize it. I just donapos;t know. Iapos;ll probably end up posting another entry tonight. I donapos;t hate her but this is all fucking ridiculous. I just want to be happy and her to be happy and that can happen if we were together. Fucking hell.

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The current stage has some highlights, but itapos;s really just a rut. Working and wasting away it seems. Yes, Iapos;m dating. Yes, Iapos;m doing little things for me. Yes, Iapos;m getting out. No, Iapos;m not going back to school in January. No, I havenapos;t picked up paintball again like I said I would. No, Iapos;m not in a relationship like Iapos;d like to be. Yes, Iapos;m independent. No, I have nothing to show for it.

�

How long will I sit here knowing there are other opportunities for me and just not go for them?

�

My patience doesnapos;t exist anymore. Iapos;ve become short, rude, and stubborn. I sit here writing all of this and realizing there are problems with it all, and I do nothing about it. I just. I mean I guess I need to talk to someone. Then the thought of money pops into my head, and I realize I canapos;t afford to talk to someone.

�

Iapos;m irritated with my situation and with myself, and Iapos;m wanting to resolve it all. I donapos;t know even the first step.

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I tend to use the phase your killing me very often. Its just a figure of speach but it basically mean you have to do something that you need to put some effort into. I had gotten into such a place in my life that I was not really putting any effort forth and I didnapos;t even realize it had gotten so bad.
I have been trying for a long time for a promotion at work and its killing me because I can and have done the job during our busiest part of the year. I have been filling that role in my department for more than a year now but the powers that be feel its not deserving of the position or the pay that goes with it. Well, I had an interview that I totally blew the math part of the interview. Math has always been my worst subject. I am lucky if I can make 2+2=4 on most days but it has never really stopped me from doing my job. I have yet to hear if I got the position yet but I am not really holding out hope. I decided to take a proactive approach and try to bone up on my math skills and try to teach myself algebra. Well, I canapos;t believe I am have trouble with the simple math. I havenapos;t even gotten to the hard stuff. I am currently stuck on linear, inverse and communitive math. Talk about not being smarter than a fifth grader. I swear its killing me. I should be almost done with the book I have and yet I canapos;t get past the second chapter.
Things around here have been quiet. Linda has been gone for many weeks now. Her boyfriendapos;s mother is visiting so she has been there. We keep in touch almost daily. She has started the cycle of complaining again. The what have I done with my life. What is my purpose here and so on. Its not that I donapos;t want to hear it because I have those kind of issues myself. Itapos;s just that she is like a broken record with it. I donapos;t know what she expects from me sometimes. She is the one who pursued another relationship while she was still with me and I donapos;t know if she is lucky or I am just stupid for still being here. Speaking of still being here, my mother is on a kick or closer to a vendetta to get me to move. I know she wants me to move back in with her and Pete so I can pay her bills but that ainapos;t gonna happen. I have been down that road already.
I have to say its getting harder and harder to stay alone. I am getting to the point where I think I need some sort of conselling to help me come to terms with my life and turn things around. I donapos;t think I will go as far as saying I am in a deep depression but I will say that I am having some issues with how my life is.
I am planning a trip to North Carolina on the 28th of October thru the 10th of November and once I get back I think its time to start getting my shit together. I know how many times have I said that but the only one who can do that is me. Of course, just putting that way is putting off doing it now. Well enough for now. I know the music is ironic.

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15 months, havenapos;t posted, oh well, not like anyone reads this anyways.

I have been super busy lately and have just been feeling pretty overwhelmed, that is, until I get home and just get to relax. I donapos;t know what it is about my apartment, even when I really need to clean it I just kick back where ever and everything feels so much better.

Today I spent about 6 hours in one of the computer labs on campus getting, or at least trying to, get caught up. I want to buy a ultraportable laptop so I can do this work someplace other than a computer lab. Someplace like, star bucks or a park or something. Internet access doesnapos;t matter because I can always hook up my cell phone if I really need it. Blarg, I am getting ahead of myself, I need to save money before I can determine what features I need.

This post was lame as hell.

+ Oktoberfest beers, crunchy leaves, notcot.org, spaceghetto.net (nsfw)
o chilly weather, wearing jeans and a jacket everyday
- always being/feeling behind, not being able to turn off the radiators in my apartment

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Iapos;m not depressed

Relationship shit not going my way and Iapos;m not depressed

Iapos;m full of rage

My reason, Iapos;m fucking awesome.. Fuck you Ceshie, fuck you Mehna, fuck you Tricia, fuck you the rest, I�fell for you and thatapos;s my fault, but I see now that your rejection of me isnapos;t cause of all the reasons Iapos;ve blamed it in the past.. (for the record, to those of you whoapos;ll read this, mehna, ceshie, Iapos;m just ranting.. There are truely no hard feelings over the shit that happened fucking YEARS�ago, but I feel liberated and thrilled and so full of rage)� You had your reasons, and whatever they were, itapos;s not cause Iapos;m useless, unloveable or a piece of shit.. Iapos;m incredible, smart, funny, interesting, fun to be around.. Iapos;ve got alot to fucking offer...

The reasons surrond my current rage are both long and may cause you to think less or someone I think very highly of.. But the rage is her fault in more then one way.. Six months ago, I may have had right to be angry, but instead Iapos;d be blaming myself, Iapos;d cry and be depressed and ask over and over why it never works out... �Today, anger, rage, and itapos;s because of her that I�see myself differently...� She does love me, she might be a selfish bitch, but I�know I�can be loved because of her, and I�will always thank her for that...

I know my problems, I�know how to correct them, and itapos;s gonna be hard to put myself out there, meet new people� and *gasp*�just ask a fucking woman out already, so I�might not be there yet, but forward progression is a good thing...

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